Quiet Reflection

Phi Phi Islands, Thailand

It’s been about 2 weeks since I last blogged. I’ve seen, experienced, and felt so much that it’s surreal for being such a short amount of time.

For the past two weeks and maybe more, I was in robot mode. Don’t get me wrong, I was myself and I was seeing everything I wanted to see, but my passion was lost. I let myself think about everything I had done these past four years without feeling anything. Rather than face the realities, I dealt with the craziness of travelling and seeing everything.

It was just a few days ago that the thoughts really started creeping in. I was sitting in the part of the ocean between where the waves broke and the shore line started. It could have been 10 minutes, 15, 30...I’m not sure how long, but I just started thinking.

Like waves crashing down on me, I finally realized that this is what I’ll be doing for the next ____ months. I know it’s not years or even forever, but it suddenly felt so real. I felt empty and alone, but also felt a sudden sense of hope and beauty that I had never experienced before. I wanted to laugh, cry, and scream all at the same time. I don’t know what I’m doing after I come back and although that scares me, it also makes me feel more alive (as cliché as that might sound). I guess that’s what makes life, life.

After that, I felt the wheels turning within me, making me come to life again. I had forgotten about my balance- all those things that made me me and kept me so aware all these years.

I’m not going to write about how I’m discovering myself and how travelling will help me find my “true calling”. No, I’m not going to write about how I’ve learned to love myself or how I’m in search of something. To be honest, it’s actually the complete opposite. I’m realizing that all the complex facets of myself are even more intricate than I thought they were. I’m realizing and accepting the reality of my life scenarios. Basically, I’ve learned that certain things won’t work out in my favor because they’re simply not destined to.

I’m realizing that comfort is dangerous. I’ll never be happy if I’m living in a routine or in constant comfort. When I say ‘comfort’ I don’t mean a big fluffy bed or a nice house. I can’t live a monotonous life. Comfort will be the death of my creativity, my drive, and my passions.

A while back, someone told me that being incapable of realizing you do not feel anything is the worst thing that can happen to you. For a long time I was going to accept that that would happen, but now I refuse to.

Most people who know me will tell you that I’m an incredibly positive person, always looking for the good in everything. My father taught me to see the beautiful in everything, even if it’s the worst object or person I’ve ever come across. He made sure to instill this into me. It was one of the best lessons I’ve learned and the greatest gift he could have given his daughter.

Through this positivity, I developed this unrealistic view of life and all that encompasses it. It sounds stupid, but that’s how I felt for so long. In a meeting, one of my team members told me there’s a difference between being optimistic and realistic. I’ve carried that with me for some time now and it’s made the biggest difference on how I view everything. It’s the success stories that stick with us, not the failures. I now understand what my dad means when he constantly says luck plays a huge role in where you end up.

I’ve been in these amazing places and have found happiness, but I’ve also felt some of my lowest of lows. In my last few days in Phuket I wondered why I wasn’t happy all the time. I had no worries and I was in one of the most beautiful places that I have ever been to. I realized that I don’t have to constantly feel that happiness. It’s okay to feel shitty. Again, that’s what makes life, life.

I know I’ll have those days where I’ll be staying in crappy hostels and eating off a couple of dollars a day. I know I’ll spend days at the beach and meet strangers who I will probably never meet again. These aren’t moments of self-discovery, but rather self-inspiration. I know who I am and who my parents raised me to be. I know myself to my core. Now it’s time to use all my energy to get to the places I want to be.