We are the reckless,
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we’ll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there.
And if you’re still bleeding, you’re the lucky ones.
‘Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.
- Youth, Daughter
There are moments, days, weeks, or maybe entire lifetimes where I think humans disconnect themselves so much so that we no longer feel. We no longer feel engaged, passion, or even connected. One thing becomes mechanical and slowly it seems as though everything, our careers, families, other relationships become as though they happen because they should happen. Why? Is it because we truly want it or is it because it’s some unspoken, ambiguous ‘thing’ that should happen in a lifetime?
Why do we pull ourselves so far from who we are at our core, so far from what our ‘being’ wants, to the point where we are no longer living? There is always a path and there will always be another path.
I’m not sure what Daughter meant when she wrote the above lyrics, but I do know she is saying it’s better to feel than to not feel at all.
I know I haven’t written in ages. I feel as though I write less when I’m going through some internal transformation, periods where I can’t properly express with words. Poetry has seemed to be my outlet over the past month while I’ve been trying to get my thoughts and feelings together. I finally sat down a couple of days ago and felt a sudden urge to write to you, whoever you may be (welcome, by the way J). A lot has evolved and fortunately, as always, it will stay evolving. It feels like these little seeds that were planted ages ago established their roots and will one day become large forests inside the universe of my soul.
It’s like questions I’ve been asking myself for years have been answered. Since I was 15 I’ve known what I wanted to do with my life, but never quite realized how I was going to get there. Over the past couple of months I was confused and always searching for answers. I know I’ve talked about this concept of searching in places a lot. This concept of seeking externally for answers and it was only when I was in the mountains in Vietnam did the answers start to come to me. I don’t know how those mountains and rivers shifted something within me, but they had an incredible power of connecting so many dots in my life. The dots that I’ve left sprinkled across country borders and people I’ve been blessed to meet across the way. Each time, these dots stemmed back to my roots, and also something much greater. This time didn’t just push something to awaken my so called ‘being’; it also pushed my other senses. It seemed to create equilibrium when it came to my ‘heart’ mind and my ‘logical’ mind, something I’ve been struggling to balance for years. I know maintaining this equilibrium, especially at times when it feels challenging, will be important moving forward.
Over the past week, I’ve been having a lot of random flashbacks of my time in Vietnam. I’ve felt a great sense of interconnectedness through being here in India and from my time in Vietnam. It’s almost like it’s properly started to come to me. Things that took me so long to process are finally slowly digesting and I’m slowly connecting them to aspects of my life in India as well as the life I was living in United States. I’m feeling okay about things I had once feared. I'm feeling uplifted by things that had once hurt me. It's been amazing and I can't wait to write it about it some more. More to come soon.